The reality of marrying a Japanese girl (as a western man): Part 1 - Communication


A Japanese wife; the dream of so many weeaboos, japan-o-philes, and anime fanboys. But is it all it's cracked up to be? Let's find out.

As attractive and exciting as the prospect of having a Japanese wife may be, the true reality of joining your life with a girl from a completely different culture, language, society, is more complex and difficult than it might seem at first glance.

One of the most important aspects of a successful marriage (or any relationship, for that matter) is communication. It is also one of the most difficult. I would consider it more of an art form than a skill. Speaking is a skill. Communication, on the other than, is more akin to whatever bundle of conscious, subconscious and semi-conscious processes are involved in creating a masterful sculpture, than a single acquirable skill. And whilst communication in all relationships is challenging at the best of times, it is especially challenging when massive, fundamental differences in the environment of our upbringing are sprinkled into the mix. John Gray said it best in the title of his book, "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus." Yes, well, now you are from Mars, and your woman is from a parallel universe's Venus. Good luck!

When building a marriage your Japanese wife, you will encounter a wide variety of topics of communication. Logistical issues - making decisions about finances, food, schools for the kids, a place to live - are all relatively simple topics on which to communicate; no problem here, as a complex understanding of English isn't a pre-requisite to understand the phrase "Let's go to a restaurant for dinner tonight." The problems arise when entering the realm where nuanced language is used. 

Let's take the example of a discussion about the type of discipline that you feel strongly about for your children. Or perhaps, the degree to which you'd like your children to focus on schooling, or sports, or free time during their childhood. Emotionally charged language will be used. Passion will be evoked. How do you ensure your wife does not mistake your passion for anger, frustration, aggression? With your choice of words, right? However, those words may, to you, clearly indicate passion, as opposed to any negative emotion, but perhaps not to her. This type of misunderstanding can lead to escalation from discussion to heated argument, and thus shut down or infect an otherwise productive conversation.

"Okay, fine." you say, "I'll just choose my words carefully to avoid any possible misunderstanding." Sure, you do that, for the rest of your life; every single time you feel even remotely strongly about something. In time, I believe, you'll find yourself becoming frustrated that you can't express yourself naturally on these key topics. You'll become irritated at the constant misunderstandings, the being taken out of context, the constant breakdown of conversations that you've no idea how to avoid. You'll long to be understood as your native English friends and family have always understood you. And she will likely feel the same way.

It is such an incredibly difficult thing to fully grasp another's culture, particularly when most of us barely understand where we ourselves truly come from. We get it instinctively, but we often don't understand it consciously, and we certainly can't explain it. And a second language, we can learn, become proficient - even fluent - in, but we can never become native. And nativity is what is required to communicate on the level often necessary in the depth of relationship most of us crave to build with our partners.

(This post is quite rough - was written over multiple days, and I'm not super happy with the overall tone, as it seems inconsistent. Also is unfinished)
 

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